29 August 2014

A Sort of Normality.

I firmly believe that we humans like routine. For certain people and children it is so very important. It gives them stability. Even if you, like me love change, travel and adventure, a certain routine is comforting. Those of you reading this who are, at school, or studying, or working, or parenting will know that these activities bring their own routines which regularises your life. Without it, one begins to founder, get bored even, or at a loss to know what to do. 

The death of a loved one throws this routine out the window and one begins to have a sense of loosing control. Not knowing how to continue. I have formulated some ideas about how my life may regain some purpose, but the routine has not been easy to regain. I no longer ring Hanna at night and talk for hours on the phone. An essential activity for years if one wanted to have a good night's sleep. Without it one was lost.

Yesterday I felt that a certain routine had returned. I got up early and went for my bike ride, stopping by Hanna on the way back. The route out passes the damn hospital and the waiting room I no longer want to sit in, so I dropped the Volibris tablets off at the reception with a letter addressed to said Specialist. Got that out of my system.

Once my exercises and breakfast were out of the way, I sat down and worked on the Presentation, about my circumnavigation, which I am giving in September in the Adult Education Centre in Krefeld. This took some time and I feel it is still too long. I put my hiking boots on and went for a walk around town. Borussia were playing at home and even if you do not follow football, you knew because of the large police presence. They were everywhere.  Bought some bits to cook a curry meal in the evening.

In the evening I cooked said meal and watched Borussia thrash Sarajevo 7:0 on the TV. Living in this town you just have to support your local team. The whole town suffers from depression if they are not doing well, and it is something you can feel as you walk round it. 

Last night was perhaps the first night since last Christmas that I slept fairly well, and without gremlins coming to get me in the dark. This morning though I could not go for a bike ride as I had made an appointment to see my GP (Hausarzt for my German readers) at 0930hrs. I also had a Dental appointment at 1100hrs. Both were essential as I shall be travelling a great deal soon. I never got to see my GP as by 1030hrs I had not been seen and having my dental bridge glued back in was more essential. Made another appointment for next Wednesday.

Now I did cycle to the Dentist and after that went to see how Hanna was. The Gardener has been at work cutting back the bushes which I wanted removed, and has levelled the grave off and added  top soil. Next week the Stonemason will come and do his stuff too. So there is change and renewal there.

At home again and on the German Post Office Web site I ordered 50 envelopes using a photo of Hanna as a stamp. This I will use to send out the many thank you letters I must now write in reply to the condolences I have received. I cleared out some of Hanna's things from the cupboard where she kept them, making space for those things from her house I wish to keep. The things I got rid of were basically female underwear, nightwear and sanitary items as well as some clothes and shoes she had here to change into. Those of mine in her house I removed ages ago.  The cupboard was kept closed so what it contained was, until yesterday, a mystery to me. She has not left my bathroom yet, and I feel her presence there may well never do.

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