It's official

Yesterday as we predicted Alan walked into St Jean to find a place to eat and to have an initial look around town. The very first thing he did was to go into the Eglise Notre Dame du Bout du Pont, which is the largest Gothic building in the Basque Country next to the cathedral in Bayonne. Here he said prayers for a safe Camino, for his family and for some friends that are poorly and sorely in need of God's help. This act alone he felt made us true pilgrims at last.

Then he wandered around town, stopped at bar for a beer and wrote in his diary, walked on looking at the sights until could sit in a restaurant  and order a meal.

It was while walking around town that he bumped into the Frenchman. They stopped to chat a bit and then parted. In the restaurant after another beer Alan ordered the pilgrim's menu.  This consisted of soup, chicken and chips and a crepe all to be washed down with 25cls of red wine and 50cls of water.

As he was eating the hot, filling and tasty vegetable soup the Frenchman reappeared, so Alan suggested he join him.

His name, now introductions seemed in order, was Jacques, he was retired and came from Strasburg. Imagine if you will an Englishman with very poor schoolboy French and a Frenchman with very poor schoolboy English and you have an idea of how the conversation went. Jacques ordered the same meal, but drank cider instead. After the meal the men went their separate ways.

This morning we all overslept, but as we were not going anywhere it didn't really matter. Breakfast was very French and we shared a table with a French couple. Large cups of coffee served with croissants which one dipped into the coffee.

After breakfast we walked into town to get our pilgrims' pass stamped, which you see above, so now it's official that we are on the Camino.

The route tomorrow follows Napoleon's route into Spain and is thus called the French Way.

Our route is the red one on the left above and the profile of what we have to climb is as shown!! We are only going as far as Orisson tomorrow which is some 10 kilometres from our pension, but we have to climb some 2100 feet to get there. The highest point on this first stage is quite a bit higher than Snowdon! But even then it is not the highest point on the route to Santiago.

This you can see from the sketch above is over 1400 metres or 4200 feet! This is also where the Cruz de Ferro is, the iron cross where pilgrims leave the stones they carry. But more on that when we get there.

Alan is off out again to find a place to eat and to buy some victuals for the journey.

Buen Camino.

And He saw that it was good.

Some times we find the technology a bit too difficult for us bears. Some of the above photos were transfered from the camera to the phone and then to the iPad. So none of them are in the order they  were taken. Dawn on the second day is at the bottom. The bridge is in St Jean Pied du Port and we crossed it to get on the Camino outside of town.

The first picture shows the weather as we climbed up the mountain on the first day. It was cold and cloudy but thankfully it did not rain.

It was a steep climb to our first hostel in Orisson. The second picture shows the view of the hostel and the view of the mountains.

We slept  in a room with three sets of bunk beds, so six humans, two were from Australia and three from the USA.

Alan showered and washed his clothes then sat and waited for the evening meal, talking to the two nice young Aussies.

The humans all sat at long tables for the evening meal which was served at 18:30hrs. It was a three course meal with much red wine and water as they wanted to drink. Then after the meal they all had to introduce themselves and say why they were there. Alan enjoyed it and it was a great introduction to the camaraderie of the Camino.

In the night Alan got up once to look at the stars which were very bright, and of course we were all a whole lot closer to them.

The next morning the dawn was fabulous as you can see from the last photo.

After a light breakfast of coffee and toast we set off at 08:00hrs to climb the rest of the mountain. Though it was sunny it was quite cold as there was a stiff North wind. But the views were terrific.

Alan took a number of panorama pictures as we got higher and he was so taken with the views he was reminded of a passage from Genises Chapter 1 verse 31, and God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.

The world certainly looked good from up high. There was snow on the mountain in places and after the picture of us all at the cross, we crossed the ridge and went down the other side into Spain.

There were many large piles of snow along the way.

The climb Alan, says was much like the Miner's Track on Snowdon and he was thankful of his walking poles, particularly on the down hill side into Roncesvalles. The silly bugger took the really steep path which they had said we should not use! It would have been impossible without the poles.

In the monastery of Roncesvalles we were pleasantly surprised at how modern the accommodation was. Again we had the lower bunk, but this time there were cubicles of four along one side of a long corridor which led to the ablutions. We shared ours, with a German, a young woman from Maine and an English Chaplin! Alan enjoyed talking to him.

They went together on a guided tour of the monastery at 18:00hrs were late for the meal at 19:00hrs, but punctual for the mass in the medieval church at 20:00hrs. Alan said he did not understand a word of it as it was all in Spanish, with three very ancient monks/priests who officiated. Alan was, however, easily able to follow the ritual as it is the same everywhere. He took communion and then all the pilgrims were asked to come to the alter to receive the blessing. As he stood there deep in prayer and thought, his mind was centered on Hanna and he said when the blessing came he felt a tremendous sense of joy which almost made him cry!

It as off to bed then and he slept through till 05:30hrs when most people stirred. Today, Saturday 25 April we walked a more leisurely walk through the hills to Zubiri. It was up hill and down dale, but not anything as steep or as hard as the first two days.

We now have another bunk bed in a larger room with about 14 bed spaces and it is all unisex including the ablutions. There is a Brazilian couple in the next bunk bed to us. We have not met the person who is occupying the top bunk, but that's because we are sitting in the reading room writing to you lot.

Our meal will be at 19:00hrs and breakfast is at 07:00hrs. We shall be a early to bed tonight too. 

Buen Camino!

There are some things they don't tell you!

Los Arcos at Dawn 30 Apr 2015

We have decided that we are not going to give you a blow by blow account of our journey, but rather some thoughts and impression we have gathered along the way.

Firstly you need to know that our BBF, Alan, is doing quite well. The first couple of days are the hardest and he did not drink enough going up the mountain. He realized this when he got to Roncevalles, as his urin was quite dark, but by then the damage was done. It took his muscles a couple of days to recover from this, but now all is well. The only problem he has are his knees and his big toes, which his GP said are showing the onset of arthritis! So it is that after a long day walking up and down steep hills, the knees ache and the toes hurt. The other interesting fact about the Camino, is that the mountain paths go straight up and down, they do not zigzag up the way they do in America or Britain. Part of Alan's problem we think, is that he walks too fast! He says that in his head is a young man who remembers how to set the pace and the old man is doing his best to keep up. Then he adds that he has an image as a roughy toughy to maintain. What would the lads in his Regiment and Corps think of him if he were to slacken? We felt like telling him that a real roughy toughy does not travel with two tiny bears, but he might not take us if we did!

Then again he knows that we are the introduction to all the Chicas he meets along the way, and many have those dark eyes that make him go weak at the knees!

Our routine is to get up when all the others do, generally around dawn and set off, without coffee or breakfast, we should add, and walk till we get to our next destination, which is generally around 13:00-14:00hrs. We stop more or less for ten minutes every two hours or if there is a cafe where we can have coffee a bit longer. There are not always cafés at just the right time and place to cope with calls of nature? They don't tell you this in the guide books, so what do you do then? On some stretches of the road there are no bushes to hide behind. It is a problem which occasionally really occupies Alan's mind.

There are many pilgrims on the road and some we know by name. Today's walk was a good one where we chatted to new friends we had met and made along the way. We even shared victuals for our lunch break. A pretty Chica from Wurzburg had bread and we had the cheese for example.

When we get to our destination and we have been allocated a bed, Alan makes the bed, then showers and goes and washes his sweaty clothes. After that we are free to wander around town. Our BBF goes into the Church and says his prayers as a good pilgrim should, then does the touristy bit.

We tend to eat early and so end up in bed around 21:00-22:00hrs. The nights in the hostels can be noisey depending on how big the dormitory is. The snorers are not just the men, but also the women over 40 we judge. The bunk beds are low too and Alan has already almost knocked himself out because he forgot.

So life for us is simple, if tiring, yet we are rewarded by the camaraderie of the pilgrims and the fantastic views of the countryside along the way.

A human donkey

Us on the Camino

A typical bed space 

Our BBF at the Puente la Reina

Pilgrim's Progress 3

Today, Monday 18th May 2015, we reached the Cruz de Ferro, at 1528 meters, in perfect weather for walking just as the sun was kissing the earth. As I approached it, a line from a Cliff Richard song suddenly went through my head, "Lord you have so many angels in heaven, why did you have to take the only one I have ever known?" and the tears began to flow!

I dropped my pack, had a short drink of water, took my hat off and stood before the cross and sang in a clear voice the whole three verses of the Pilgrims Hymn. When I got to the last line I cracked and began to weep in earnest. After a moment I grabbed the Bears and said," come on bears, we've come a long way to do this, let's do it!" I went to the foot of the cross and sat them there and then placed the  stone from Hanna's birthplace on a rock in front of them and then read aloud the necessary prayer, amending it as follows: " Lord may this stone, a symbol of my and my dear departed soul mate, Hanna's, efforts on the pilgrimage that I lay at the foot of the cross of the Saviour, one day weigh the balance in favour of our good deeds when the deeds of our lives are judged. Let it be so. Amen."

Unashamedly I wept, took a quick picture of the Bears then we sat by my pack and cried.

When I'd recovered my composure I had one last act to perform for a friend who had given me an envelope with a letter she wanted burnt somewhere on the Camino. I said that I would do it here. I found a young German pilgrim to take a photo of me while I was doing it. Quietly I prayed that what every she had wanted to unburden would be granted her, as I burnt the envelope.

Our mission accomplished we could continue and so without further ado we set off down the mountain. 

I did not feel relieved or have a religious experience, I now just felt drained and very weary. Each step seemed hard, yet the going was easy enough at this stage. Not until much later when we got to El Acebo and stopped for coffee, orange juice and a tortilla did I feel better. The route was steep in parts and so one had to take extra care not to twist an ankle or a knee. 

On the way down an Irishman "M" stopped as he passed me to shake my hand and thank me for the wonderful singing at the Cruz de Ferro. A little later a Frenchman I also knew stopped and thanked me for the very emotive singing!

For my part I was rewarded by the views of God's Earth in the warm sunshine.

                      The Roman bridge leading into Molinaseca

By the time we had got across the bridge in Molinaseca we had had enough and on the way to finding the municipal Albergue, "M" the Irishman stopped me to invite me to have a beer with him later at 18:00hrs. 

I must have looked all in when I got there, for the hospitalero carried my bag up the two flights of stairs to our bed. We were the first to arrive too.

It's been an emotionally charged day, but one that has exceeded my expectations. God's Earth is good and the people on and along the Camino, also!

Buen Camino

God is smiling on our Camino

As we write it is clear to us that God must be smiling on our journey. Firstly he is smiling because in the night of Sunday Alan woke up and decided a couple of changes to his packing plan. He decided to take his aluminium water bottle instead of his plastic one. He felt the plastic one tasted funny. Then at the last minute he decided not to take his poncho and tent making kit, which weighed 1.2 kilos but his iPad instead. Well we are benefiting from this now as he has allowed us to write the blog. 

God  is also smiling on our Camino because on Monday as we made our way to MG main station we met a giant of a man who made Alan look like a dwarf. This man asked we we were pilgrims and when Alan replied in the affirmative he explained that he was Spanish and came from Santiago!!! As we parted he wished us Buen Camino, which is the traditional greeting and more or less means have a good journey.

On the train firstly to Aachen, Alan listened to his audio book, and then on the rather smart French train to Paris dozed off quite a lot while listening to it. 

On arrival in Paris North we took a taxi to Garde de Austerlitz. As luck would have it the driver was Tangierian and so Alan was able to practice some Arabic. He admitted privately to us later that he had clearly forgotten much.

On the overnight train to Bayonne we had a German, called Gert from Saarbrücken, in the bunk under Alan and a Frenchman in the opposite bunk to Alan. Gert was also going on the Camino, but the Frenchman was just going hiking in the hills around St Jean Pied de Port.

These men didn't chat much for as soon as the train pulled out they just rolled over and went to sleep. In fact Alan didn't even notice that a fourth gentleman came and used the last bunk under the Frenchman in the night. This man had left by the time Alan surfaced to take his eye shades off and his earplugs out!

The train was now delayed a bit so Alan and Gert chatted to pass the time. The sun was out and there was not a cloud in the sky. Through the train window we could see in the distance snow topped mountains and began to wonder if the Pyrennees will also be snow capped. 

At Bayonne we had a couple of hours to wait for a bus to take us the rest of the way. Now we saw quite a few other pilgrims from various nations, Canada, Malaysia and France to name just the obvious ones.

The parting of the ways came at the station in St Jean. Gert was going to walk on to Orrison so needed to look for the Pilgrims office to get his pass stamped. Alan walked out of town in the opposite direction to his small and quaint pension. We have a nice large room, but must share the toilet and bathroom. Now With free WiFi Alan was quick to log on for us while he went and showered and washed his clothes. As the sun is shining still, he hung them out to dry. Shortly we think he will take a walk into the village to find a place to eat.

God is also smiling on us because the weather is so wonderful as the view from our window shows. It is forecast to stay this way too.

Have yourself a Merry Christmas

Since returning from Malta I have tended to be a bit listless and can't seem to motivate myself to look forward to Christmas. This is especially so since I have been unable to get the family to come together around my dining table this year! So what's the point of it all?

I am reminded from this sad circumstance of another life time where my first wife, and to my shame I supported her, engineered a major break in the family so that we would not have to share Christmas together. It was entirely contrived and should not have been allowed. Much like this year. That Christmas was to my mind "trostlos", as the Germans would say. I left her in the January to divorce her later.

Consequently I have not written any Christmas cards either. I have made about 30 cards from photos I have taken, but I can't seem to find the words needed to write them. I have received a few and I dare say that I must at least send out some cards to my friends who are not on-line, but even that seems a daunting task. It has been made more so since I have received a card from a good friend whom I had forgotten to inform that Hanna has passed on!!

When walking around town I have stopped for a Glühwein in the Christmas Market. But other than a feeling of nostalgia, eating and drinking alone in public has never turned me on. Thankfully I have many good friends and so I am not sinking into an abyss of melancholy and despair, but Christmas cheer is still missing in my house.

I did bake my Christmas muffins which I distribute to all my neighbours on St Nicholas Eve and enjoyed playing St Nick for now the 11th time.

One of my undoubted highlights of the pre Christmas party scene, though, has been the Phileas Fogg Club Christmas party. A, a stalwart member of the group, kindly hosted it at her house again. We played silly games and sang Christmas Carols until the wee hours of the morning. It helped that A had a piano and that P was able to accompany us on it. M, in an effort to prove he could cook too, made a delicious East German soup which gave us a solid base to drink the Glühwein, almost until the cows came home. V, one of our longest serving members, presented us all with a self made guardian angel piece of jewellery. Mine now adorns my new Pilgrim's rucksack. Some of those who were unable to attend this party met one evening in the Christmas Market for a Glühwein or two, which I also found pleasant. Then my former English Class in Kempen surprised me by inviting me to their Christmas Party which was also a very nice affair. It was good to see that this group is also staying together.

I have decorated my house for Christmas since I do have a reputation as a Christmas Freak to maintain. See http://karmavoyager.blogspot.de/2011/01/christmas-freak.html#.VJPvxsAAA

I shall not be alone either at Christmas spending it with friends, so I dare say it is time I did motivate myself to get into the Christmas Spirit. To my mind it will not come until I have attended the Christmas Mass on Christmas Eve.

I shall put my Christmas Tree up today, which will help put me in the mood, though I will no longer be able to keep it till Candlemas (2 February) for two reasons. Firstly I shall be holding a dinner party in January for 10 friends and need the space to put up the table and secondly, that without Hanna's garden rubbish bin to use, I need to put the tree out for the tree collection on 17 January.

So it leaves me just to wish all my friends and readers a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year filled with good health and happiness.

Now I know!

I've shed a tear or two today! The first time was this afternoon when, after my visit to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned I sat by Hanna's grave. I was chatting and telling her what I had been up to. Today I have started to send out thank you cards to all who sent me condolence letters and also yesterday and today I have finally booked all the accommodation needed for my trip to America. This booking of accommodation was always Hanna's task when planning our holidays together. She had a talent for finding the most romantic places for us to stay. Over the last two days I have finally understood how much effort it costs and how hard she worked to get it right.

At one stage I got it hopelessly wrong and booked a hotel in Albany, Western Australia, instead of Albany, in the State of New York!! It was only when the confirmation email came that I realized my mistake and had to ring up and cancel it, which initially it said I could NOT!!!! So while sitting there and telling her this I shed a tear or two because she would have liked to have helped in the planning and now could not, and I missed her so.

The tubs of flowers on the grave I had arranged from the monies various friends gave me and of course I could not resist putting one there from me either. On Sunday we had the six week mass for Hanna. It is nothing really special, her name gets mentioned during the mass and prayers are said. It was nice though to acknowledge friends and acquaintances who had come especially for it.

My flowers are also a token of my remembering a special anniversary of ours which occurs while I am away.

The second time I could not help weeping was when I found this photo of Hanna and Christopher. I took it sometime in May and it is the look of affection on Christopher's face for his Omi and her looking directly at me that tipped me over. He is such a loving child and the two of them had such a special relationship that gladdened my heart, and was a great comfort to Hanna during the last weeks of her life. We talked about it when we could quite a bit at the time. So it's a very special photo of a unique moment in time.

A good day

Yesterday was a good day. I slept well, got up early and went through my fitness training programme, visit to the cemetery etc and generally got on with life. In the afternoon the highlight was taking my grandson to his music school lesson with his mum. On the first Tuesday of the month parents and grandparents are permitted to sit and watch and sometimes take part. It was fun watching the youngsters playing their various games to music. The teacher has them well drilled to the sound and the rhythm of her playing on the piano. The best bit though was stopping at the ice cream parlour on the way home for an ice. 

It being the first Tuesday of the month means also that the Phileas Fogg Club meet in the Irish Pub in Rheydt. For those that don't know this was the name of the English Class I used to teach in Mönchengladbach. The group are a great bunch of people who get on well with each other. I am chuffed (proud) that they are staying together as a group despite my, for the time being, not teaching them any more. Well I went and joined them. Since I had not been there before I took a taxi, thinking that taxi drivers know where all the good pubs are. Well I got a driver who had no idea where it was and had to use his phone to find out!!

There were 10 of the 12 members there when I got there. Now every Tuesday the pub has a quiz night and the Club had been there last month and come third out of four teams in this weekly competition. There were I think 8 rounds of 10 questions each, which the quiz master reads out in English and German and one answers as a team on a sheet of paper which is then handed in for marking. It's a good thing he reads the questions in German as well for his English diction leaves a lot to be desired! 

The questions are general knowledge with popular music as a class on it's own. I'd have been lost on the music questions having to guess the name of the artist as well as the song or album even. As a group though we did very well and came first. It just goes to prove how cosmopolitan, well travelled and educated the group are.

Today I was up early for a medical appointment. There's nothing wrong, I just needed (I felt) to show my face and to stock up my travel first aid kit with some antibiotics and other essentials. I also took the opportunity to have a flu jab. My GP just also happens to be a sailor with his own boat, so he understands my requirements and it is always a pleasure to talk to him about his sailing.

I can also report that the stonemason has begun his work and has reseated the marble cross which now sits upright again. I rather hope we can get the grave all refurbished and planted by the time we have the "fortieth day" service, which we have set for 21 September. Then I can depart for the USA with a certain peace of mind. 

Not a good start into September!

I blame it on the Jalapeno I put in the salad I had with my steak last night, for I woke up in the early hours with an odd feeling in my tummy, and then the Gremlins came to get me and I couldn't sleep. Fortunately the Gremlin called "self doubt" was not one of them, but the "replay" one did it for me, for most of the night. A replay of all the heartache moments of the first six months of the year kept going through my head. Unless you have provided care for a helpless loved one, you will not truly understand how soul sapping it can be. To watch how the body slowly gives up on a loved one, to wash, change, dress and feed them and to have to turn them over in the night when they are unable to do so themselves. To see the 1000 yard stare in their eyes and have no remedy to ease this suffering of the mind. To see them struggle for breath, night after night. All these images kept going through my head to rob me of sleep. 

I have asked myself often enough, why did she pass on when I was not there? The answer came from a friend who thought that Hanna waited until no one who loved her was present to save us from the suffering. The circumstances certainly prove this theory. My friend explained that her grandfather had passed on like that. We never left Hanna alone during the last five days. Either I or a daughter were with her and then at the last a paid carer, not a member of the family was with her at the end. 

The one image that finally came to console me in the night was the one I have of her seeking my hand when the Priest came. She seemed to understand, though could not speak, and knew that I needed the Priest as much as she did.

I woke drained and listless, but went for my bike ride. Nothing worked this morning. My bike speedometer stopped working, the iPad App for bike rides didn't work either. I stopped by Hanna as usual and found a moment of calm. The gardener confirmed he had the lamp and stones in his custody and when the stonemason has done his stuff will return them. 

Life goes on and I must begin to get my things and my mind together, for my  trip to the UK this Friday.

Train hard fight easy

Yesterday I received a thank you letter from the said specialist doctor, so I knew the pills had arrived. He said that he had always been impressed by Hanna's stoicism, for despite her health problems she never let her head hang. 

On my speed march I went past the grave to see that the gardeners had been at work again. They have taken the stones and lamp into protective custody, I hope, for they were gone. A light has shone there day and night since the funeral, some 19 days and nights. I shall check that this is so tomorrow. The stonemason will be refurbishing the stone you see in the picture and redoing the foundations. An additional stone with Hanna's name and space for mine will then be added, before we begin with planting.

I set off on my speed march. I had set myself no real time or distance target, I just set off to walk for as long as I wanted at a pace I could maintain and with a measured 6 kilos on my back. An Army watch word has always been, "train hard fight easy" and this is one of the basics of my training plan. At the moment I am not fit enough to walk 25 kms day after day after day, but come the spring I hope to be. Another test I did was to take my mobile WIFI and my iPad to see if I could post on the move.

It worked as the picture I posted on Facebook was taken in a wood in the middle of nowhere. I had also hoped that it would rain, so that I could test my new poncho, but although it was overcast it did not, until well after I got home. I have decided on a poncho because they are not as sweaty underneath as a Gore-Tex rain proof jacket, a poncho will also keep the straps of the pack dry, but also because as any soldier will tell you, they make an excellent "basher" or one man tent in an emergency. 

I moved quickly but fairly quietly, especially in the woods. At one stage I even surprised a hunter out with his shotgun and Red Setter. He never saw me coming which does not say much for his or his dog's observation skills. I also, as luck would have it, had the wind advantage. At the last minute I announced my presence as I did not want to get shot.

My pedometer does not seem to be right, as it said I had gone 2 hours 15 mins and had walked 10.61 kms, but I had been gone 3 hrs 30 mins and had walked 14 1/2 kms. Just goes to show one must never rely on technical means. Paper maps and a good time piece is all one needs to navigate with on the land. Either way I enjoyed my walk.

A Sort of Normality.

I firmly believe that we humans like routine. For certain people and children it is so very important. It gives them stability. Even if you, like me love change, travel and adventure, a certain routine is comforting. Those of you reading this who are, at school, or studying, or working, or parenting will know that these activities bring their own routines which regularises your life. Without it, one begins to founder, get bored even, or at a loss to know what to do. 

The death of a loved one throws this routine out the window and one begins to have a sense of loosing control. Not knowing how to continue. I have formulated some ideas about how my life may regain some purpose, but the routine has not been easy to regain. I no longer ring Hanna at night and talk for hours on the phone. An essential activity for years if one wanted to have a good night's sleep. Without it one was lost.

Yesterday I felt that a certain routine had returned. I got up early and went for my bike ride, stopping by Hanna on the way back. The route out passes the damn hospital and the waiting room I no longer want to sit in, so I dropped the Volibris tablets off at the reception with a letter addressed to said Specialist. Got that out of my system.

Once my exercises and breakfast were out of the way, I sat down and worked on the Presentation, about my circumnavigation, which I am giving in September in the Adult Education Centre in Krefeld. This took some time and I feel it is still too long. I put my hiking boots on and went for a walk around town. Borussia were playing at home and even if you do not follow football, you knew because of the large police presence. They were everywhere.  Bought some bits to cook a curry meal in the evening.

In the evening I cooked said meal and watched Borussia thrash Sarajevo 7:0 on the TV. Living in this town you just have to support your local team. The whole town suffers from depression if they are not doing well, and it is something you can feel as you walk round it. 

Last night was perhaps the first night since last Christmas that I slept fairly well, and without gremlins coming to get me in the dark. This morning though I could not go for a bike ride as I had made an appointment to see my GP (Hausarzt for my German readers) at 0930hrs. I also had a Dental appointment at 1100hrs. Both were essential as I shall be travelling a great deal soon. I never got to see my GP as by 1030hrs I had not been seen and having my dental bridge glued back in was more essential. Made another appointment for next Wednesday.

Now I did cycle to the Dentist and after that went to see how Hanna was. The Gardener has been at work cutting back the bushes which I wanted removed, and has levelled the grave off and added  top soil. Next week the Stonemason will come and do his stuff too. So there is change and renewal there.

At home again and on the German Post Office Web site I ordered 50 envelopes using a photo of Hanna as a stamp. This I will use to send out the many thank you letters I must now write in reply to the condolences I have received. I cleared out some of Hanna's things from the cupboard where she kept them, making space for those things from her house I wish to keep. The things I got rid of were basically female underwear, nightwear and sanitary items as well as some clothes and shoes she had here to change into. Those of mine in her house I removed ages ago.  The cupboard was kept closed so what it contained was, until yesterday, a mystery to me. She has not left my bathroom yet, and I feel her presence there may well never do.

......and the Sun Shone.

It's exactly 4 weeks since Hanna died and two weeks since the funeral. Over breakfast in the sun on my balcony, when I thought about meeting the daughters in her house this morning I was overcome with sorrow and loneliness. To be expected still, but it does sometimes seem to come from nowhere.

The meeting with the daughters went as expected and we went round the house trying to decide in general terms what was to be done with it all. Each of us had memories with certain items, books, clothes, mementoes, and photograph albums. Like in my house there are cards she has given me, I found cards I had given her. Occasionally I found them used as a book mark or in one case put in a frame and hung on the wall. 

Hanna had made photograph albums of her own and her daughters lives. I looked at a couple and found that very early on, she had documented some of our shared activity and her often long train journeys to come and see me.   Such lovely memories and the pictures of her I had forgotten I had taken, moved me to tears again. In one album she had documented with cards, photographs and comments our short trip to Prague in 1992. The everlasting memory I have of this trip, is of kissing her while we were travelling on the Metro. It was one of those moments when even in a crowded place two lovers hearts are one and they do not notice the crowd. Well in this particular case the crowd were all young students and they clapped and applauded us with such joyous smiles in their eyes and on their lips. It made us laugh and was a very special moment, especially as we were the oldest couple on this carriage of the Metro.

I collected a number of things I would like to have and put them to one side. After about two hours I had had enough of sadness and left to cycle over to the cemetery. The gardeners had made a small start by removing all the dead flowers, so now I can place some new ones there. The little mouse came and was not at all put out by my presence. 

Back home I put my hiking boots on and went for a long walk through the town. I met a former student of mine, a really nice man from La Mancha. We exchanged news and parted with intentions to meet again next week. At the Post Office I collected a surprise package from a friend.  I also collected the flight tickets for my trip to the USA from the travel agency and then returned home to tea. The package contained some nice gifts, not just for me, but the grandchildren as well. A little bit of pleasure to end the day on. Nice.

So today, unlike yesterday, the sun shone, and the fond memories made my heart warm too.

A Bit of a Wet Day

It is like autumn here wet and cold. While stopped at Hanna's this morning on my bike ride it started to rain, but I was also overwhelmed with grief and close to tears, which I have been one way or the other all day. 

When I got home I spent some time on research in the Internet. Firstly looking for suitable camper hire offers for my USA trip and also looking for suitable maps of France which show the St James' Pilgrim Path. At around 3 o'clock I went to see the secretary of a certain Lung specialist that had been treating Hanna over the last 4 years. The specialist had prescribed a very expensive drug called Volibris which Hanna had to take every day and costs over 100 euros per tablet. We had a quite a number of these tablets left and the specialist had asked if we would donate them for some of his patients where the Health Insurance doesn't pay for such treatment! I had gone along to do just that. It was also the second time I had gone there. The first time they were closed.

This secretary had her back to me as I came in the room and when I addressed her she was visibly irritated and demanded I wait in the waiting room until she was finished with her task. I was a bit taken aback but went and sat down. Now of course I also had a time problem as I was due to collect Christopher to take him to his first lesson of the new Music School Term.

I was a bit upset. Not just because of the way she spoke to me and being made to wait, for an action that would have taken less than a minute to conclude, but because I had sat in this damn waiting room with Hanna every three months for the last 4 years, and now I sat there all alone! I was here to do a good deed I thought! I lasted only five minutes and would have wept had I stayed longer, so I left. The first thing Christopher did was ask if I had forgotten about him, as I was now later than I normally would have been!

In the car on the way to the Music School Christopher was a real tonic and after dropping him off I wandered around town until it was time to collect him again. On return to my own home before entering I went to the bakers on the corner to buy a piece of cake for tea. My mind was clearly somewhere else for I never took much notice of the woman at the counter before me. I stood trying to decide what sweet thing I should pleasure myself with at tea, when I suddenly became aware that this woman was looking at me.

It was a bit embarrassing to discover she was a good friend and one of my former students. It was nice though to chat to her about her recent holiday in England with her twins and to hear how much they all enjoyed it. 

Maybe tomorrow will be a dryer and better day.

Of Patience and Provocation

I have never been a very patient man. One of my watch words has been "Lead, follow or get out of my way, but do something." To lead me you have to earn my respect and have some proof that you have succeeded at leading. It has been my downfall in the service when I have had superiors that have been nincompoops, for want of a better expression. Those that know me well will tell you that I can't hide my displeasure at someone else's failings much. If, however, you gain my friendship  you are guaranteed my loyalty and can have the shirt off my back. But then I do not make close friends easily which is why I still have some shirts.

During my circumnavigation I discovered, from I know not where, that I had the patience to cope with the bureaucracy that our colonies have turned into an art form. In the Pacific and Indian Oceans I learnt not to take appointment times too literally. You could consider yourself bloody lucky if they turned up at the appointed time and quite well off if they turned up at any time, on the day in question.

Back in Europe where the pace of life is different, it did not take me long to hate waiting rooms or people being late for appointments. At the present time in my life, without Hanna to restrain me, I am easily provoked if I feel someone has gone too far, or late for an appointment. You can also gain the rough edge of my tongue if you have not gauged my mood correctly and as a consequence step on my toes.

Today was another of those days when I was fit to explode. I had made an appointment with a Gardener to discuss the layout and planting of Hanna's grave. He kept me waiting and after 30 mins I was all set to go to another. In truth he had forgotten all about it. When I eventually got him on his mobile, I bit my tongue off and agreed that I would wait a bit more and in any-case I would go and see the Stonemason in the meantime.

It must have been Hanna's presence that kept me from going for his jugular when he arrived, as it was a full hour and half after our appointed time. In the end we understood each other. He had lost his wife (aged 48) to lung cancer a couple of years ago. From the diagnosis to death was only 4 months in his case. So he was well able to empathise with me and I with him. This helped us and calmed me down, needless to say. We are not bosom buddies and I dare say he will charge me an arm and leg for the work he is to do, but at least we had a pleasant discussion about the work and our grieving, and I can work with him.

The flowers from the funeral are almost all over. One nice circular wicker basket with plants is still doing quite well. Yesterday, being a Sunday (so not a training day) I took a stroll to the grave and cleaned the lantern. Something that needed doing, since I doubt if it has been cleaned in years. this morning on my way by during my bike ride, I changed the candle.

Next week the clearing work will begin and I can place some new flowers there with the money given me by friends and acquaintances. 

Bureaucracy in Death

Most of the civilised world loves bureaucracy. We need birth certificates, ID cards and Passports which tell us who we are. Then there are the licences we need to work to live or to drive. It is my experience from my travels around the world that many countries turn it to an art form. Germany is one such country, not as bad as some, but whole forests of paper are offered up to this hungry God called Bureaucracy. And woe betide you if you do not follow this path, or if you loose patience with a “jobs worth”.

Today I had to walk the path of bureaucracy for Hanna, in order to ensure her Last Will and Testament is finalised. This involved in the first instance a visit to the “Amtsgericht” or the Court that deals with Wills and Testaments.

My first hurdle was the security check at the front door of an imposing building. It is almost worse than that at airports. What was doubly annoying this morning was though there was no one behind me coming through, the guard tried to rush me when it came to collect my belongings from the x-ray machine and get dressed again. The result was that my mobile fell out of my jacket pocket and into the sum of its constituent parts!

Thankfully the woman that then dealt with me was pleasant it just took time as she serviced her own personal God, which in her case was a computer. Her typing was with two fingers, which needless to say takes longer than with a few more. Once she had everything typed up I was given a copy and then I have to say, why did it take so long for her to fill in a very simple form on her computer. I could have written the whole thing out faster than she filled it in. That’s the trouble with a well established bureaucracy, there is no room for original thought or improvisation.

From there I walked in the sun to an other bureaucratic institution a Bank. It was marginally quicker here, another very pleasant woman (to the eye also) quickly copied what I gave her, said she would pay the funeral expenses, but that was it. We had to wait for the Courts to do there stuff.

Then I got on my bike and went to the cemetery to check that the grave was properly registered as we had some doubts since there was no mention of it on the final bill from the Undertakers. Nothing untoward there, the bill for that was sent separately yesterday and we can bury another coffin (mine) and up to 4 urns on the plot.

The it was off to the stonemasons for a discussion and tasking and also to the Gardener that had looked after the grave and with whom I made an appointment at the grave, to discuss how it should be redone once the soil has settled.

The flowers on the grave are slowly rotting and returning to the earth, but the candle burned bright even in the daylight. While standing there and musing on things in general and Hanna in particular, I was pleasantly surprised by a visitor. One of Hanna’s English students a mature man called Bernhard. Hanna liked this chap very much as his hobby fascinated her. He is also a magician and had wanted schooling in his English so he could also do his tricks in that language. His day job is that of a teacher in a handicapped children’s school. They had just returned from holiday, which is why they were not at the funeral.

Hanna would have been pleased at the honour he did her by visiting the grave.

 I was too.

Where lies the Land

Hanna’s daughters and I met today in her house to discuss various matters that need our attention. At last all the large care products had been collected so we were able to quickly put the sitting room, more or less the way it always was. Now one can sit there and just imagine Hanna is in the kitchen making us some tea.

What to do with all the lovely nick knacks Hanna collected over the years? Many were of our shared journeys, some have only a sentimental value, but others are worth money to a collector.  And so many books. My humble abode will not take more books, but I was pleasantly surprised  when looking at one shelf I discovered a lovely 1973 Folio Society edition of “Poems by William Wordsworth”, tucked away behind other books. It is beautifully bound with a leather spine and sits in a nice cardboard sleeve.

I always have space for a book of poems, especially one so nice as this, so I took it and discovered it was a gift to Hanna from her Brother-in-Law in 1985 on her visit to London after her husband had died. I met this nice man during one of our later visits to London in the 90’s.

What was even more interesting was that there were a couple of bookmarks marking poems which must have interested Hanna. The first  one I looked at was entitled:

“Where lies the Land”

Where lies the Land to which yon ship must go?

Fresh as a lark mounting at break of day,

Festively she puts forth in trim array;

Is she for tropic suns, or polar snow?

What boots the enquiry? – Neither friend nor foe

She cares for; let her travel where she may,

She finds familiar names, a beaten way

Ever before her, and a wind to blow.

Yet still I ask what haven is her mark?

And, almost as it was when ships were rare,

(From time to time, like Pilgrims, here and there

Crossing the waters) doubt, and something dark,

Of the old Sea some reverential fear,

Is with me at thy farewell, joyous Bark!

Since I have no idea when she first read this poem, or why she marked it, to me it was a little allegorical. One could read it any number of ways. Whither is Hanna’s soul now sailing, for there was in me a reverential fear at her farewell and she did put forth in trim array at her funeral. Or is it my restless soul that is meant and where will the winds now blow me? That the word “pilgrim” appears in the poem is that also a sign that I am right in my intentions?

Am I an incurable romantic to search for meaning in such things? Hanna might say, “No just a foolish one.”

The Next Step

Today is the third Sunday since Hanna's death. The first, friends kindly had me round for a meal; the second, I was away and staying in Helpensen. So today was the first Sunday alone, but I did not fall into a hole. After a leisurely breakfast on my balcony, with fresh bread rolls which I had got from the baker on the corner, I visited Hanna and changed the burnt out candle.

Now you have to know that Hanna and I had become creatures of habit over the last 11 years. Sundays was our day when we would take off somewhere armed with our cameras. After our expedition we would retire to my place for Tea and a check of our booty. We would also sit and watch TV, nearly always ZDF at 1930hrs especially as they had a programme about history and culture. This would be followed by a kitschy love story, which we had dubbed "Herz und Schmerz". After a short siesta we would then sit, over a meal I would cook, talking into the night and generally in the summer until the sun came up.

So after telling Hanna what I was going to do and armed with my camera, I set off for Nideggen in the Eifel. I had learnt that in the Burg there was an exhibition about Pilgrims and the Jacob's Way.

Just some of the pictures I took today.

The exhibition gave me a better feel for what it will involve walking the Jacob's Way. I was also able to buy some literature and a small Pilgrims' prayer book. The drive, there and back, gave me time to reflect on my intentions and to allow certain ideas to coalesce. 

I shall always plan to be in Mönchengladbach on certain days of the year, 

23 April          Hanna's Birthday

24 April          Anniversary of our first meeting

30 July            the day of her death

1 November   All Souls when the family visit all the graves of the departed members.

The rest of the time I shall do as I please, but certainly travel or be walking the Pilgrims' Way. I have come to the idea that I will walk the route from home right through Germany, France to Spain. In the beginning I shall walk in stages coming home at the end of the day and as I get further afield in weekly bites staying where ever until I reach the Spanish Border. Then I shall do the last 800 km in one go. A further idea is to walk on to La Corunna and take a ship to England and then walk the Pilgrims' Way to Canterbury. I have to get back after all. 

When I got home, I did as we would have done. I got out my best china and had tea and read a little in the literature I had bought. Checked my photos, then had  a siesta. I sat and watched our normal programmes, cooked myself a meal and instead of chatting into the night I am writing this Blog. So as you see my life is slowly coming round to being normal again.

What to do with the rest of my life?

When you loose someone close to you, you are also reminded of your own mortality. If I keep myself fit and baring accidents I estimate I have a good 10-15 years of travel time left in me before I need to go into a care home. I am not being morbid, but trying to be realistic so I can have a plan and not just drift through the rest of my life. I also need to have a firm plan for the end of my life as there is no one who will care for me as I cared for Hanna, and I certainly do not want Hanna's daughters wiping my bottom nor even my own sons. But the least said about them the better. A home is the answer and I will try and find a suitable 2 or 3, since when I make that last leap there also needs to be a vacancy. But that's in the future, what about now.

Well I've decided to go back to my roots. I am the son of an infantry soldier and I was an infantry soldier too. As a youth I loved the out doors and walking and camping. As a subaltern I was also a mountaineering instructor and loved climbing. I would have continued doing that, but after one short expedition in my own time, the wife at the time said, "me or the mountains"  and foolishly I threw my boots into the corner, instead of packing my gear and heading for the hills. Being realistic I am now too old to go climbing, but not walking. If I can combine walking with ancient rubble and foreign lands then that is a bonus.

What immediately sprung to mind with this idea was of course the St James' Pilgrims way to Santiago de Compostela! But there are many other paths too. Hadrian's Wall for example. Well the first thing I did then was to go out and buy myself a new pair of hiking boots. I also bought a guide book on the St James' Pilgrims Way. 

This afternoon I put the new boots on, strung a pack on my back and out I went. As I left the house the very first thought that hit me was, it felt so right, the years rolled off me and it was as if I was 45 years younger. "I can do this," said I, I feel young, fit and energetic! Well I am none of those things really, but the feeling of having a good pair of boots on my feet and a pack on my back did really transport me back in time. It felt so natural. 

I walked to Hanna's resting place and chatted with her about my idea. She might have called me "crazy" again, but I think she would be supportive. My Dad would be leaping for joy and saying, "go for it" as he wanted to do just that in New Zealand when he retired, but my mother wouldn't let him even try. 

I spent 3 and half hours walking in what amounts to the wilderness here the other side of the cemetery towards Viersen. I gave the boots a good workout. Took them up and down steep inclines, through mud and wet grass, over stony ground and sandy soil. I broke trails through chest high nettles and brambles. And what pleased me most I was alone. I love solitude and the peace of the woods. I got as close as 2 metres before the Hare took off. I could also have rescued a damsel in distress. She had let her bike fall over in the woods and the rear mud guard was bent so badly it was touching the wheel, but sadly I did not have my Leatherman tool with me and my fingers were not strong enough on their own.

I returned to the cemetery in the pouring rain which let up as I got there. After checking with Hanna I came home to a shower and tea, feeling tired, a little sore round the ankles as I have not worn boots for the last  23 years, but the feet were fine. 

So I have a plan. It starts with getting fit enough to walk 25 km per day with a pack on my back. Then we will see where these boots take me. They were made for walking after all and as we all know a journey of 1000 miles begins with one step. I have taken that step today.