Pilgrim's Progress 3

Today, Monday 18th May 2015, we reached the Cruz de Ferro, at 1528 meters, in perfect weather for walking just as the sun was kissing the earth. As I approached it, a line from a Cliff Richard song suddenly went through my head, "Lord you have so many angels in heaven, why did you have to take the only one I have ever known?" and the tears began to flow!

I dropped my pack, had a short drink of water, took my hat off and stood before the cross and sang in a clear voice the whole three verses of the Pilgrims Hymn. When I got to the last line I cracked and began to weep in earnest. After a moment I grabbed the Bears and said," come on bears, we've come a long way to do this, let's do it!" I went to the foot of the cross and sat them there and then placed the  stone from Hanna's birthplace on a rock in front of them and then read aloud the necessary prayer, amending it as follows: " Lord may this stone, a symbol of my and my dear departed soul mate, Hanna's, efforts on the pilgrimage that I lay at the foot of the cross of the Saviour, one day weigh the balance in favour of our good deeds when the deeds of our lives are judged. Let it be so. Amen."

Unashamedly I wept, took a quick picture of the Bears then we sat by my pack and cried.

When I'd recovered my composure I had one last act to perform for a friend who had given me an envelope with a letter she wanted burnt somewhere on the Camino. I said that I would do it here. I found a young German pilgrim to take a photo of me while I was doing it. Quietly I prayed that what every she had wanted to unburden would be granted her, as I burnt the envelope.

Our mission accomplished we could continue and so without further ado we set off down the mountain. 

I did not feel relieved or have a religious experience, I now just felt drained and very weary. Each step seemed hard, yet the going was easy enough at this stage. Not until much later when we got to El Acebo and stopped for coffee, orange juice and a tortilla did I feel better. The route was steep in parts and so one had to take extra care not to twist an ankle or a knee. 

On the way down an Irishman "M" stopped as he passed me to shake my hand and thank me for the wonderful singing at the Cruz de Ferro. A little later a Frenchman I also knew stopped and thanked me for the very emotive singing!

For my part I was rewarded by the views of God's Earth in the warm sunshine.

                      The Roman bridge leading into Molinaseca

By the time we had got across the bridge in Molinaseca we had had enough and on the way to finding the municipal Albergue, "M" the Irishman stopped me to invite me to have a beer with him later at 18:00hrs. 

I must have looked all in when I got there, for the hospitalero carried my bag up the two flights of stairs to our bed. We were the first to arrive too.

It's been an emotionally charged day, but one that has exceeded my expectations. God's Earth is good and the people on and along the Camino, also!

Buen Camino

Dreams and Memories

It is late or early morning and my last night on Malta. I have woken and can’t get back to sleep for wondering about a strange dream I have had which has also evoked many memories.

I am in an expensive women’s wear shop with I know not who. Not Hanna that is certain. And I am buying a woman an outfit (suit?) for a special occasion we are going to. No idea what, but you get the idea. On the counter are silks and very fine linens in pastel shades of cream and pink. The woman I am buying this for is somewhere looking at the racks and I turn to the sales lady and ask if she is sure the colours are not too “young for madam?” She replies that she is sure that with “madam’s complexion” she can carry them off!!

What does this dream mean? Dreams surely are sometimes our way of working out things that have happened to us during the day, but today I have not been near women’s dress shops or thought of a woman! Is the dream telling me to beware of “mutton dressed as lamb”! Why am I buying this unknown woman something expensive to wear? And who is she? An old love? A new love?

The memories this had evoked in the dark are something else entirely and are wonderful memories I have of some occasions with Hanna. I never had to buy her clothes, though often offered to. There were, however, two lovely occasions when I spontaneously did buy her something to wear.

The first occasion was long ago when we were new to being lovers. I was also a newly appointed Services Liaison Officer and we were in Verden on our way home from some event in town. In a side street we came across an exclusive Lingerie shop. I said come on we’ll buy you (meaning us) something frivolous.

She did not protest too loudly and so in we went and what fun we had. The sales lady gave us glasses of champagne and made us relax and showed off her wares. We had no real idea what we wanted, but knew what we wanted it for. I was also ushered into the changing room and we had such fun choosing something frivolous for each other.

If you have never done it, then I can recommend the experience, go out and take your lover into such an exclusive shop. Yes, you will end up spending a shed load of money, but you will create a memory that will keep you warm in the winter of your life. It brings a smile to my face even now.

The other occasion was also spontaneous. We were in Maidstone in the UK and had gone there for a quintessentially English morning suit wedding in a 13^th or 14^th century church. I had discussed with Hanna beforehand the wearing of hats. She in her stubborn way said she never wore hats. I said then that she would be the only woman without one! She did not believe me.

It was the morning just before the wedding and we were walking through the small town and came across a Milliners that was having a sale! I literally dragged her in and said come on let’s try some hats on. Reluctantly she did and again we found one that suited her and with which she was happy. She looked good in it and again it was one of those occasion in my life where I have done the right thing and I was so so pleased. And yes, she would have been the only woman at the wedding without a hat.

Hanna Part 2

SHOPPING AND LOSS

Today as almost every Friday for the last 11 years I have gone shopping with Hanna. When she could no longer go shopping herself, she would send me an email and I would get her stuff too. Then when she could no longer send emails I would go and write the shopping list for and with her, and later still I would write it myself. Either way at the end of the day we would sit together and eat our evening meal and chat into the night or watch TV until it was time for me to go home.

As I entered the supermarket car park where we would normally shop, it hit me in the face like a wet fish. She was gone. I need not shop for her, or try and think of meals I wanted to cook for her when she came to visit, or later meals I cooked for her at her home. I was now all alone in the world, had no one to cook for anymore. I suddenly felt all alone and found it hard to continue. What was the point of it all.

When I got home and began to unpack my shopping the door bell rang. It was Natalie, at 40 on the 24 July, Hanna’s youngest daughter. She said I have something to show you. So up she came and showed me a small bunch of dried flowers she had found in Hanna’s bedroom! It had a label on it from 1990. Now you have to know that in Hanna’s first Will written in 1992 she stated that she wanted the many dried baccarat roses, which were the flowers I had given her over time, to be placed in her coffin as they meant so much to her! Sadly as she herself stated in the last Codicil to her Will, these had fallen to the passage of time and no longer existed.

First Flowers after 5 months separation 1990

Natalie asked if she could put these flowers in her coffin instead. Needless to say I gave her a hug and said of course as I knew exactly what the bunch she found represented  for me and Hanna.

In 1990 I was stationed in Bielefeld as a Staff Officer in HQ 1 (BR) Corps and living in a flat in the centre of town. Although Hanna and I had recently become lovers I did not want a permanent relationship, I was not ready. Instead I started an affair with an American soprano in the Bielefeld Opera Company. Nor did I keep it a quiet affair I told Hanna what I was doing and why. The affair did not survive the first Gulf War, as the lady was not best pleased when on my Birthday I came home late due to some crisis or other at the front.

This taught me another valuable lesson in life and when I realised I was foolish and Hanna WAS the woman for me, I just got in my car with the said fresh flowers and drove down to Mönchengladbach. It was a surprise for her when she saw me, but she knew how I felt without saying or asking anything. She just took me by the hand and straight upstairs to bed. The rest as the say is history and this was when the spark became the all consuming fire.

When Natalie left I wept a little. I wept for the pain I had caused Hanna, I wept for the love and forgiveness Hanna showed me and I wept for the joy of the love we shared.

Hanna

 Damascus 2010

Allepo 2008

As dawn breaks I am writing this as a sort of catharsis, my way of grieving, for I cannot sleep. For the last few nights I have trained my body to stay awake while I held a vigil by the bedside of my dying soul mate. So I am used to being wide awake between the hours of 1800 and 1000 the next day.

I have known, in the biblical sense, many women in my life. Some I have loved deeply, others were just good friends or passing ships in the night and at least two were witches which it would have been better not to have known. Hanna who died yesterday was the one shining light, my best friend and worst critic, a great lover and wonderful soul mate, for she really of all the women, really understood me better than I did myself.

When we met 25 years, 3 months and six days ago the last thing I wanted was another relationship with a woman and certainly not with one that was almost 10 years older than me. I was on my way to becoming a misogynist for one of these witches had just crushed me. I had nothing to laugh about and was content in my sorrow, yet Hanna found the key to make me laugh at myself.

For quite awhile we were just good friends, she was someone I could talk to and neither of us were looking for a relationship or had the wish to “know” one another. But when we did ignite that spark it became a roaring fire which consumed our souls and made them one.

She was a great support and hostess during my service time, when I was required to represent the Crown and had to entertain to encourage better understanding between our allies. And what was pleasing for me, was that she was well liked and respected by those interlocutors I had to deal with at that time. Without her support I could never have managed to sail alone around the world, or find my feet when it ended. She was there for me when I needed it most with advice and critique, though the latter was not always appreciated by me. She had the ability to ask the pertinent questions that nearly always pricked the bubble of my enthusiasm, much to my annoyance. So she kept my feet firmly on the ground, but also knew how to encourage me to follow my dreams. She made me a much better person than I was before.

We shared many passions, such as language and a thirst for knowledge of new cultures and religions. We loved travel and meeting people and exploring the ancient rubble that exists in our world. And we loved taking photos, though she hated me taking hers. Whereas I loved being in hers and we would laugh about the photos she took of me in the left, right, or in the middle of her pictures with a photo smile on my face.

So I am a little lost at sea at the moment for my soul mate has sailed over the horizon and is gone from me. But I know she is there still, just like the ship sailing on the ocean, and she is in my heart and will continue to guide me through the rest of my life.

May God grant her eternal peace and ever lasting life.