Not a good start into September!

I blame it on the Jalapeno I put in the salad I had with my steak last night, for I woke up in the early hours with an odd feeling in my tummy, and then the Gremlins came to get me and I couldn't sleep. Fortunately the Gremlin called "self doubt" was not one of them, but the "replay" one did it for me, for most of the night. A replay of all the heartache moments of the first six months of the year kept going through my head. Unless you have provided care for a helpless loved one, you will not truly understand how soul sapping it can be. To watch how the body slowly gives up on a loved one, to wash, change, dress and feed them and to have to turn them over in the night when they are unable to do so themselves. To see the 1000 yard stare in their eyes and have no remedy to ease this suffering of the mind. To see them struggle for breath, night after night. All these images kept going through my head to rob me of sleep. 

I have asked myself often enough, why did she pass on when I was not there? The answer came from a friend who thought that Hanna waited until no one who loved her was present to save us from the suffering. The circumstances certainly prove this theory. My friend explained that her grandfather had passed on like that. We never left Hanna alone during the last five days. Either I or a daughter were with her and then at the last a paid carer, not a member of the family was with her at the end. 

The one image that finally came to console me in the night was the one I have of her seeking my hand when the Priest came. She seemed to understand, though could not speak, and knew that I needed the Priest as much as she did.

I woke drained and listless, but went for my bike ride. Nothing worked this morning. My bike speedometer stopped working, the iPad App for bike rides didn't work either. I stopped by Hanna as usual and found a moment of calm. The gardener confirmed he had the lamp and stones in his custody and when the stonemason has done his stuff will return them. 

Life goes on and I must begin to get my things and my mind together, for my  trip to the UK this Friday.

Hanna Part 9

Last Will and Testament

I’ve got to admit I wept again today. Just couldn’t stop myself. I have been reading her Last Will and Testament again, since I am one of those responsible for its implementation. She first wrote a letter to us all in 1991 when they (the bloody doctors that is) thought she had cancer.

She wrote then, “if I get over this then I shall be pleased, but if not then that’s OK as I have experienced so many nice things recently, particularly my relationship to Alan, that it just can’t get any better. And when the party is at its height, then that is the time to depart…”

She went on to say that her funeral should not be a sentimental occasion and that the pastor should not have to strain himself to find nice things to say about her. She was just a normal person, making mistakes and with normal weaknesses. She had, she said, always tried to act like a Christian, but did she succeed? Therefore we were not to run around for weeks with long faces or wearing black. Life goes on and we should too.

In another passage she says, “Monica, Silke, Natalie and Alan should know that I love them and that they have made my life richer.”

I often ask myself now, did I tell her often enough what she meant to me? How she enriched my life?

I got up early today, to ride my bike in an attempt to get fit again and so it was easy to stop by and tell her now. Last year our last big event together was to photograph a wedding and so I told her that, the bride is now pregnant. A sure sign that life goes on. She would have been pleased to know that another child is on the way and going to such a loving family. More flowers had been placed on the grave too, by some dear friends of mine. A nice gesture for they were unable to come to the funeral.

So I hope you agree it was OK to have a little weep today, for the love of a very special person.

           A small woman with a big heart taken in 2011