Hanna Part 4

Now I'm Medallion Man

The Locket I now wear.

Yesterday, thanks to my good friends Vera and Alex I did not sink into despair, but spent a very pleasant evening in their lovely garden. My sleep though was too short for I woke in the night, when the gremlins came for me. By 0700hrs I was bathed in sweat from my restless sleep, but fairly buoyant in my mood. Until I got in the shower that is. Then from apparently nowhere and with no previous concious forethought, as the warm water cascaded over my head, I started weeping. I managed to get a grip on myself so it didn't last long, but it did take me completely by surprise.

I am in truth an action man. I always need to do something. I do not like sitting around feeling sorry for myself. So when I got dressed I went and took the photo I had in my wallet of Hanna and I at my 50th Birthday party, cut her out and put her in a locket, which is also an heirloom.

So now I am a medallion man for I wear her round my neck and next to my heart. And do you know what? I do not even feel foolish, though I think Hanna would have called me a foolish romantic.

Hanna Part 3

It's Sunday!

I was awake early as I have not been able to sleep properly for weeks now and the last three were of particular worry. I got up and went to Hanna's family grave where she, and later when my time comes I will be buried. After saying a short prayer for the departed, I dug up the small pewter urn with some of my father's ashes in, before it gets lost in the general digging up that will occur soon.

The little urn with some of my father's ashes

He will live there now on my book shelve by his picture until my time comes when it can be placed in my coffin.

I came home and had breakfast on the balcony. listening to the Sunday Worship on Radio 4 which was a Service in remembrance of the outbreak of the First World War. Needless to say I knew all the hymns and a couple of them I had chosen to be played for my father's burial in New Zealand and the memorial service in the UK.

As it was a Sunday I cleaned my humble abode and changed the bed as I always did on Sunday, as today is the day Hanna would come to stay. She of course will not be coming today or any other day, so I am in a bit of a hole now. Fortunately though some good friends have invited me to a barbecue this evening, so I will not be in this hole for long.

Hanna Part 2

SHOPPING AND LOSS

Today as almost every Friday for the last 11 years I have gone shopping with Hanna. When she could no longer go shopping herself, she would send me an email and I would get her stuff too. Then when she could no longer send emails I would go and write the shopping list for and with her, and later still I would write it myself. Either way at the end of the day we would sit together and eat our evening meal and chat into the night or watch TV until it was time for me to go home.

As I entered the supermarket car park where we would normally shop, it hit me in the face like a wet fish. She was gone. I need not shop for her, or try and think of meals I wanted to cook for her when she came to visit, or later meals I cooked for her at her home. I was now all alone in the world, had no one to cook for anymore. I suddenly felt all alone and found it hard to continue. What was the point of it all.

When I got home and began to unpack my shopping the door bell rang. It was Natalie, at 40 on the 24 July, Hanna’s youngest daughter. She said I have something to show you. So up she came and showed me a small bunch of dried flowers she had found in Hanna’s bedroom! It had a label on it from 1990. Now you have to know that in Hanna’s first Will written in 1992 she stated that she wanted the many dried baccarat roses, which were the flowers I had given her over time, to be placed in her coffin as they meant so much to her! Sadly as she herself stated in the last Codicil to her Will, these had fallen to the passage of time and no longer existed.

First Flowers after 5 months separation 1990

Natalie asked if she could put these flowers in her coffin instead. Needless to say I gave her a hug and said of course as I knew exactly what the bunch she found represented  for me and Hanna.

In 1990 I was stationed in Bielefeld as a Staff Officer in HQ 1 (BR) Corps and living in a flat in the centre of town. Although Hanna and I had recently become lovers I did not want a permanent relationship, I was not ready. Instead I started an affair with an American soprano in the Bielefeld Opera Company. Nor did I keep it a quiet affair I told Hanna what I was doing and why. The affair did not survive the first Gulf War, as the lady was not best pleased when on my Birthday I came home late due to some crisis or other at the front.

This taught me another valuable lesson in life and when I realised I was foolish and Hanna WAS the woman for me, I just got in my car with the said fresh flowers and drove down to Mönchengladbach. It was a surprise for her when she saw me, but she knew how I felt without saying or asking anything. She just took me by the hand and straight upstairs to bed. The rest as the say is history and this was when the spark became the all consuming fire.

When Natalie left I wept a little. I wept for the pain I had caused Hanna, I wept for the love and forgiveness Hanna showed me and I wept for the joy of the love we shared.

Hanna

 Damascus 2010

Allepo 2008

As dawn breaks I am writing this as a sort of catharsis, my way of grieving, for I cannot sleep. For the last few nights I have trained my body to stay awake while I held a vigil by the bedside of my dying soul mate. So I am used to being wide awake between the hours of 1800 and 1000 the next day.

I have known, in the biblical sense, many women in my life. Some I have loved deeply, others were just good friends or passing ships in the night and at least two were witches which it would have been better not to have known. Hanna who died yesterday was the one shining light, my best friend and worst critic, a great lover and wonderful soul mate, for she really of all the women, really understood me better than I did myself.

When we met 25 years, 3 months and six days ago the last thing I wanted was another relationship with a woman and certainly not with one that was almost 10 years older than me. I was on my way to becoming a misogynist for one of these witches had just crushed me. I had nothing to laugh about and was content in my sorrow, yet Hanna found the key to make me laugh at myself.

For quite awhile we were just good friends, she was someone I could talk to and neither of us were looking for a relationship or had the wish to “know” one another. But when we did ignite that spark it became a roaring fire which consumed our souls and made them one.

She was a great support and hostess during my service time, when I was required to represent the Crown and had to entertain to encourage better understanding between our allies. And what was pleasing for me, was that she was well liked and respected by those interlocutors I had to deal with at that time. Without her support I could never have managed to sail alone around the world, or find my feet when it ended. She was there for me when I needed it most with advice and critique, though the latter was not always appreciated by me. She had the ability to ask the pertinent questions that nearly always pricked the bubble of my enthusiasm, much to my annoyance. So she kept my feet firmly on the ground, but also knew how to encourage me to follow my dreams. She made me a much better person than I was before.

We shared many passions, such as language and a thirst for knowledge of new cultures and religions. We loved travel and meeting people and exploring the ancient rubble that exists in our world. And we loved taking photos, though she hated me taking hers. Whereas I loved being in hers and we would laugh about the photos she took of me in the left, right, or in the middle of her pictures with a photo smile on my face.

So I am a little lost at sea at the moment for my soul mate has sailed over the horizon and is gone from me. But I know she is there still, just like the ship sailing on the ocean, and she is in my heart and will continue to guide me through the rest of my life.

May God grant her eternal peace and ever lasting life.

SYRIA

Allah, one of the 99 names of God.

What is going on in Syria, Iraq and Palestine at the moment is making me weep. I thank God that Hanna and I have visited Syria over a three year period before the current troubles began. When we first went in 2007, we were sometimes the only tourists in town, but by the time of our last visit in 2010, Damascus in particular had profited from the tourist trade and was upping its game to attract even more. To some extent I found it sad to follow countless groups of tourists processing up Straight Street for it had altered the atmosphere since our first visit there. 

When we travel, as I am not a sheep, we hire a car, I drive and Hanna always manages to find the best and most romantic of self catering accommodation. In this manner and with our limited Arabic we have toured practically the whole country, only leaving out the eastern desert area. We love ancient rubble and there is much to find going back to before the first century  but the lasting impression we have is of the friendlessness of the people wherever we went. 

A girl scout in an Orthodox Easter procession

Children were happy to see us wherever we went in Syria

A proud Muslim father presenting his son to be photographed

Pilgrims from Iran pleased to be photographed by us

A cute little girl in Homs who had been playing with a water hose

Bab Antakya the gate by which we entered and stayed in the Old City of Aleppo. The car stayed outside.

This minaret, built in 1090, part of the Great Mosque in Aleppo has now been totally destroyed!

The Great Mosque in Aleppo

A Friday discussion in the Great Mosque of Aleppo now badly damaged by the fighting

The Souk in Aleppo

Aleppo, once boasted the finest medieval Souk in the whole of the Mediterranean.

An Orthodox Priest in Damascus

An Orthodox Easter procession in Damascus

We discovered that Muslims both Shiites and Sunnis, Christian Maronites, and Orthodox Christians, all lived peacefully together. We were there once during Ramadan and later during the Orthodox Easter and took part in a fantastic procession through the Christian Quarter of Old Damascus. No matter the religion the people welcomed us with open arms and were pleased when we accepted their invitation to join them or to photograph them or their children.

The civil war in Lebanon lasted 17 years! The civil war in Syria has gone on too long already and no real thought has been given to its long term effects. Now we see ISIS establishing a Caliphat which stretches across the borders of Syria and Iraq. I have to say that I think that before the Russian invasion of Afghanistan the Sunnis, Shia, Jews and Christians in the countries in the whole of the Middle East lived in tolerance and friendship with each other for generations. I have witnessed the truth of this in Syria, Jordan and other Arab countries. So now they can't live together? So now some are saying that Sunnis and Shias have been enemies since over 1300 years? This hate is being manufactured and driven by other powers and fanatics and is a crime against humanity. Hate between these three great religions is not a product of the doctrine of these religions, for their real doctrine preaches tolerance and peace. The doctrine of hate is a product of man's making for his own devious ends and we should all do what we can to stop it spreading. I pray to God, Allah, Jehovah, call him what you will, that the countless friendly people from all religions I have met and photographed in Syria come out of this conflict safely and that one day they can go about their daily lives in peace again.

Aleppo

Aleppo Souk was once the finest example of a medieval Arab Souk in the whole Middle East. What is happening there is a tragedy and a disaster. My heart weeps for the people living there. 

New Oven and Hob.

Blueberry muffins

I recently bought a new oven and hob and am still learning to use it. Today I backed some Blueberry Muffins and I can't decide whether I should dust them with icing sugar! What do you think?