1 September 2014

Not a good start into September!

I blame it on the Jalapeno I put in the salad I had with my steak last night, for I woke up in the early hours with an odd feeling in my tummy, and then the Gremlins came to get me and I couldn't sleep. Fortunately the Gremlin called "self doubt" was not one of them, but the "replay" one did it for me, for most of the night. A replay of all the heartache moments of the first six months of the year kept going through my head. Unless you have provided care for a helpless loved one, you will not truly understand how soul sapping it can be. To watch how the body slowly gives up on a loved one, to wash, change, dress and feed them and to have to turn them over in the night when they are unable to do so themselves. To see the 1000 yard stare in their eyes and have no remedy to ease this suffering of the mind. To see them struggle for breath, night after night. All these images kept going through my head to rob me of sleep. 

I have asked myself often enough, why did she pass on when I was not there? The answer came from a friend who thought that Hanna waited until no one who loved her was present to save us from the suffering. The circumstances certainly prove this theory. My friend explained that her grandfather had passed on like that. We never left Hanna alone during the last five days. Either I or a daughter were with her and then at the last a paid carer, not a member of the family was with her at the end. 

The one image that finally came to console me in the night was the one I have of her seeking my hand when the Priest came. She seemed to understand, though could not speak, and knew that I needed the Priest as much as she did.

I woke drained and listless, but went for my bike ride. Nothing worked this morning. My bike speedometer stopped working, the iPad App for bike rides didn't work either. I stopped by Hanna as usual and found a moment of calm. The gardener confirmed he had the lamp and stones in his custody and when the stonemason has done his stuff will return them. 

Life goes on and I must begin to get my things and my mind together, for my  trip to the UK this Friday.